How do you turn down a mentally disabled person? - goldkey.info Community Forums
So is it your opinion then that any kind of retardation means the person is condemned to a lonely existence without the any romance or love. As harsh at that is to say I have two completely mentally disabled family members (one I wouldn't see any problem at all dating these people. I wonder: would it be ethical to date the mentally challenged?Guy, 45 People who seek others with a disadvantage (financial, mental, etc.).
They shame him for having screen savers of scantily clad comic book characters or even having an interest in women. No, setting them up together is absolutely not an option, by the way. Should I help him sign up for a proper online dating site? He goes out on his own weekly and meets up with an anime club and plays strategic card games with some people. I have suggested that he starts getting to know a few of the girls there in a non-aggressive and non-creepy way.
Is there anything else that can be advised? And I can certainly appreciate that, given his mild mental challenges, you want to protect him from the world. Unfortunately, part of living a full life means opening yourself up to a potential broken heart, embarrassment, and even worse, physical danger. And what can your brother actively do, save from shutting himself indoors and never venturing online or out into the world, to protect himself from these crimes?
It may sound tedious, but making a list of each worry, followed by a list of preventative actions your brother can take — and that you can help him take — may go a long way in helping both of you feel more secure.
Of course, none of these tips are sure-fire safety measures, but they can definitely add a level of security that it sounds like your brother is currently lacking. This may be an error. Or this may be the love of her life. Best thing to do might be shut up and put up, for the time being.
You may find some data that will help you decide how to feel about this situation going forward. Although you didn't say what type of disability this man has, one place to start is this list of organizations posted by the National Down Syndrome Society. I find this horrifying for multiple reasons. Very clearly your issue, not theirs. I hope one day you can look back on this question and hear the way it sounds to everyone else.
I can relate feeling concerned or protective about who my family members are dating, but your extreme reaction to this is inappropriate.
But, there's really not much wrong with this situation, so long as your sis-in-law isn't really taking advantage of him - in a use-him-and-lose-him sort of way. The "this seems exploitative" is the worst part of the social equation, but I'm not sure I see it here. There are a lot of bad relationships out there. I understand being protective. But, I mean, in the larger scheme of things, she is going to get into relationships, some of which will not end well.
“My Mentally Challenged Brother Wants a Girlfriend”
Why not let them do it together? You never know how it might turn out. He lives in a group home. What do his caregivers think of their relationship? In the US typical nuclear family scheme of things, this is not your business.
Would you date a girl that was mentally challenged and hot?
But not everyone lives that way, even in the US or similar countries. To you and your wife and her family and sister, this might very well be your business. There is no way of knowing without details about the dynamics of your family, how yall all think of "family," sister-in-law included.
That said, I completely agree with palliser. This seems like a question for your family to discuss with a professional. Consult your family doctor or the nurse line provided by insurance companies if you are in the US.
Either should be able to direct you to the kind of professional guidance you need. But I would start with websites for caregivers of special needs adults or whatever you want to call adults like your sister-in-law's boyfriend. You may even find a forum to pose this question. And if you practice a religion, you might also speak to clergy for peace of mind.
Finally, your concerns do NOT make you a judgmental, condescending, or a bad person. This is an unusual situation, made even more complex because your sister-in-law comes from a very sheltered background, and you're not really sure what level she's functioning at herself.
Now she has a potentially sexual relationship, likely one of her first if not first of its kind. At the very least, someone needs to take her to Planned Parenthood and familiarize her with birth control. Good luck and don't beat yourself up for asking a really hard question. You say her growth has been stunted by the way her parents have treated her, but perhaps they've treated her that way because of her natural capacities? I appreciate your concerns, and would think it odd if intellectual but depressed people I knew were deeply emotionally involved with those whose mental capacities were severely limited, because it would strike me as setting up an unfair power dynamic and not being a good motivational source, so increasing depression.
Whether I would say anything would depend on particulars, but I don't think you're wrong to notice if you think your sister in law is an intellectual sort.
However, you haven't given specific indications that your sister in law is interested in mental pursuits. She has a college degree, but having taught adjunct in local colleges, I know it depends heavily on what kind of college it was whether that is meaningful or basically just more high school. Otherwise she likes caring for Alzheimer patients, going to church, and staying home with her parents. Maybe you are projecting your own desires onto her life a little bit.
She could have a very average or low average IQ and be okay with a life that isn't focused on ideas or achievements. She could just want to find someone nice and be happy and maybe have some babies and that's it. No need to even learn to drive. So just check that you're really thinking of her, and not what you would want if you were in her position.
You might have cause for concern, but try to see it from her perspective first. A lot of people are overprotected as children but still act on the urge to strike out on their own independently.
Look, I don't know your sister-in-law, and perhaps I would share your opinion that there's nothing wrong with her that living on her own and therapy couldn't fix. But you seem to be very clear on categorizing her as "normal" and him as "having something wrong with him," despite the fact that you characterize her as emotionally and developmentally stunted, unwilling to live independently, and suffering from chronic depression. I'm not entirely certain where the concerns over exploitation are coming in, but I think that you're implying that your sister-in-law has decided to pursue this man because he's a "sure thing?
Or she may really be developing feelings for him. Regardless, I think that when you talk to her about this, you're going to need to suppress your visceral reaction to her new relationship.
Getting her defensive is no way to discuss your concerns with her. I'm not sure of any way to intervene that wouldn't really get your sister totally hopping mad at you. But, you should at least be honest, and let her know somehow that you disapprove, and why. She should know that you're not willing to have him sit at the table with you for family gatherings. I don't have any good answers. Even with more facts, I don't know that I could afford you a sound strategy for dealing with this.
The only thing that comes to mind is that sometimes, developmental disability is hereditary, and if she has kids with this guy, they could be in for a lifetime of convalescent care for not being able to feed themselves. That's a worst-case scenario, of course. I feel for you. If she were intellectually normal - or at least close to it - I would be as horrified as you are. It's impossible to say without knowing both parties very well, and I don't think you'll find a definitive answer in this thread.
Where the heck did that come from? Someone who is developmentally disabled is often thought to have the emotional status comparable to that of a child. Ethically and socially, it is completely unacceptable for an adult to engage in a romantic relationship with a child. I think this is probably where a lot of your initial repulsion is coming from. But that doesn't that their relationship is unhealthy. As it is, it doesn't sound like you have enough information to make the call on whether or not the relationship is unhealthy.
So I'd advise you to get to know the guy and approach the situation with an open mind before damning it.
My wife and I are working on her teaching her to develop life goals, encourage her to make friends, encouraging her to seek therapy, and so in Does she actually want this? Is she seeking out your help, or is she putting up with it because it's less trouble than rocking the boat? I agree with other folks that it's really not your business, and interfering will likely only push her in the direction you don't want her to go. I think some of the answers you are getting are a bit daft given the 'immediately started referring to her as 'my girlfriend'' part crossed with 'ultimate goal of marriage'; this relationship does seem inappropriate at best.
This is what you need to be concerned with. I worked in a group home until recently yay layoffs! Nice Boy lived in a group home and was, in fact, very nice. He worked at Walmart as a greeter and was friendly to everyone he met. They hit it off. It was cute and she seemed a little special herself, so the staff didn't say much. Both were warned about appropriate behavior and agreed to limits i.
No closed doors, Don't touch anywhere a bathing suit would cover etc. One day Nice Boys parents came to visit from out of town. This was a surprise visit for Nice Boy,as it was near his birthday. Nice Boy was still legally a minor. Then they were calling the cops. And Sweet Girl was arrested for inappropriate conduct with a minor. Sweet Girl is no longer allowed to attend church, or her nephews Little League, or the Library because she is a registered Child Sex Offender.
I know it sounds a little scare tactic-ish. But please, warn her to become informed about his legal status. Brother is relatively normal and quite intelligent though he has poor self esteem and is prone to depression.
However, they seem quite happy together, and have no children but a lot of pets - which they dote on adoringly. Truthfully, dealing with sister-in-law can be VERY frustrating to my mom and myself and brother toobut he accepts her limitations for what they are. And well, he loves her. And that's got to be enough for the rest of us.
Turns out he's just a white rapper who lives with his mom. To be more serious though, my uncle was severely mentally retarded and he had his share of "girlfriends". Although, I'm pretty sure none of those relationships involved anything sexual.
Of course he was not able to hold a job or do many things for himself, like shave or buy his own clothes. My uncle was also emotionally stunted and was prone to tantrums and outbursts you might expect from a young child. It sounds like the guy your sister-in-law AKA Sweet Dee wants to date isn't even close to my uncle's level of mental handicap. In fact, being a "nice" guy with a job puts him ahead of many men and women I know.
I think the ethical concern that separates someone who has mental development problems from other disabilities is when they have the equivalent mental age, like my uncle, of a young child. Like with a child, most people would object to someone engaging in an adult, sexual and romantic relationship with someone who is 10 years old mentally and emotionally. That doesn't sound like the case with this guy.
Man, I miss my uncle. He was a pain in the ass and we I was too young to fully understand why. I should have been nicer to him. He died about ten years ago, from kidney failure I think. Damn, now I made myself sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you are right now, but neither is there enough here to clearly judge whether there IS an unhealthy dynamic. What I might consider, taking shots in the dark, is that she simply may feel comfortable with this man: So is that the type of reaction you wanted?
Cuz I don't think you're going to get it. If your sister is happy, and he's happy Think of all the asshole chick punchers, mental and psychological abusers As for him inviting her to hang out with his friends on their first date She can be pretty confident that she isn't the "other woman" in his life. I was once at a bar where two guys and a girl were sitting at a table. One of the dudes was loud, obnoxious, and kept calling people on the phone to tell them what he's doing at the moment "hanging out with my girlfriend".
I couldn't help myself so I turned to group and said "I think the bar prefers if you take your phone call outside". He obliged and went outside. The remaining dude turned to me and said "This is my sister, 'Jane', that dude you sent outside is her date I think the dude your sister-in-law picked is better than the typical LA douchebag I encountered.
“My Mentally Challenged Brother Wants a Girlfriend”
Tell her I said "Congratulations on finding a sweet guy who makes you happy. The problem is not that he's bad for her; the problem is that he may not be able to give informed consent because he is or might be mentally retarded.
By "caregivers," do you mean his family, or group home staff? If it's the latter, they probably don't have much say. My husband has been group home staff for DD adults for close to 15 years, and last night he said something about usually carrying a lighter for one of his clients' cigarettes. I said something about being surprised that the clients can smoke, and he said that program staff really have no say in the matter. Some of his clients drink alcohol as well and I think there'd been one issue a few years back with a client using drugsbut there's not much that can be done about that either--legally, they are adults and those are their choices to make.
I suspect that your sister's friend can date anyone he wants regardless of his housing status. Family might be a whole 'nother ball of wax--but again, since we're talking about someone who is of legal age despite diminished capacity, there may not be a whole lot they could specifically DO, even if they weren't particularly thrilled by the idea.
If yes, then trust them. They have much more experience and probably training in this than you do, and they know the guy better than you do. If no, there are much bigger problems that need to be solved than this dating issue.
Like the fact that this guy isn't getting proper care. I have an uncle who has lived in a group home since his 20s schizophrenia and, while he's usually pretty doped up, I don't think of him as someone who can't understand consequences or make decisions. It's certainly not my area of expertise, though. And I stand by my opinion that it's sure as shit not the brother-in-law's place to be making this judgement call, although if it is an issue he could certainly bring it up with the woman in question.
10 things to know before dating someone with a disability – The Daily Disability
What exactly needs to be "cured"? She lives with her parents, doesn't drive and doesn't seem to socialize much. Living a sheltered life is not a disease. She goes to church and she has a job that requires her to interact with people, maybe she's happy with that level of socialization.
Unless there's a lot more to the situation that you haven't mentioned, it sounds like Sister isn't somehow living up to some set of standards you and your wife feel are necessary for a happy lifestyle. As far as her boyfriend goes, it doesn't sound like anything untoward is going on.
Developmentally disabled people need love and companionship, too, and perhaps Sister feels comfortable with him and has interests in common with him. My only word of caution would be to make sure she knows about birth control; it's easy for a little kissing and snuggling to quickly progress to serious canoodling.
Also, plenty of people -- secluded, coddled, retarded, disabled -- have sexual and romantic urges that they would like to follow up on.Disabled & Dating
Is that what might be disturbing you? My sister-in-law has a host of mental health issues as well as probably some developmental delays. She lived in a group home for a while, where she had a relationship with a much older man who had suffered a stroke that destroyed his long-term memory.
He was severely disabled by this, but they had a loving relationship that included regular sex my mother-in-law's only concern was that contraception was used, which it was. While this may not have looked like a particularly "normal" relationship, both parties clearly adored each other, although going out for frozen yogurt dates, renting a movie, or ordering pizza were about all they could do together unsupervised.
Sounds like this guy is doing a lot better than that, if he's working. And he's sweet to your sister-in-law, so why not just let the situation evolve by itself? Maybe you don't know any adults with Down syndrome, but you don't need to be scared or dismissive of them. No one has stated that being friends with those who are afflicted with Down's syndrome is terrible.